I don’t need a designer puppy or a kick-ass iPhone or a phat SUV or my own reality TV show. I try not to fall into the consumerism trap that Christmas has become for some people. I do prefer gifts that bring family and friends together, such as a theater performance or a nice dinner out. But this year is a little different and I really didn’t think that I’d have to make this request, Saint Nicholas. All I want for Christmas is to have a temperate, warmish to agreeable climate with no inclement weather. I’d be cool with it in the 50s. I should have written to you sooner and we wouldn’t be in the mess we are in right now. It’s only 20 degrees in Seattle – a low that hasn’t been reached since 1990 from what the blurbs on the news report. And there is snow and ice on the ground that is sticking around which is very uncommon for this area. Folks are crashing up their cars. Car batteries are dying. Pipes are freezing in houses. From what they say, the cold is here to stay for a couple weeks. If not for me, please listen, for the sake of the people out here.

Now, I don’t mind snow but it’s frigid temperatures that I could do without. As you know, I moved out of Chicago to get away from this kind of weather, Mr. Kringle. Sitting in my apartment for half the year, wearing layers of clothing is not my idea of refreshing. Making one snowman and snow angel a year is plenty for me, if necessary at all. I don’t like taking time out for two showers a day, just to warm up. And my coffee addiction is completely out of control – it’s like chicken soup for my soul but with MSG. If this is some kind of joke, Mr. Ho Ho Ho, I get it, now can we please go back to the way the weather should be, pretty please?

Let me change my request, can I have a hot tub?